BOOK OF THE YEAR: ‘PUTIN’S POISONOUS PRACTICES & MISUSE OF MURDER & MIRACLES’ (A SATIRE)

Get your copy before they disappear...

Nancy Pelosi had a fifty minute talk with President “Kerensky” the other day, perhaps near the time Joe Biden was commiserating with the “Iranian people” in Kiev? Obviously Vladimir Putin is messing with their gray matter. There couldn’t possibly be any other reason for these gaffes, could there?

This is why Putin is ‘way WORSE than Hitler. He is Hitler with magical powers! But, if they don’t always function the way his ‘fluence always should, he also has one or two hypersonic superweapons on hand to act as failsafe backup… just in case.

It is a little known fact that Vladimir Putin is the reincarnation of a guru who spent fifty years honing the magical powers he has now inherited. A man who lived completely alone high up a mountain in a draughty cave, living on a single grain of rice per day. This explains much that some find difficult to understand, such as Putin’s uncanny ability to fox the sharpest minds the western world has to offer, such as Biden, Pelosi and Boris Johnson.

Putin began recovering his lost memories as a young man, slowly but surely becoming the source of the Marvel comic book hero, ‘Doctor Strange’. As a streetwise youngster Putin knew how to mesmerise his opponents into making fools of themselves, thus also becoming the inspiration for ‘The Force’ in later ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Immaculate conceptions followed whereby Putin created two daughters using a maternity lab he conjured up out of thin air. His marvels were truly something to behold. All manner of far flung events began to be attributed to him. A hurricane here, a bad case of piles there, a vast chunk of Arctic ice melting and Kamala Harris experiencing a particularly painful ingrown toenail.   

Nothing is too great or too small for the Mighty Magician Putin. 

A special book is to be created detailing every single miracle he has performed over the course of his life. Currently the count stands at 503 individual, verified miracles not including Joe Biden’s itchy nose on the 5th of January 2006. That incident is still under investigation. Currently the assessment is that 45% of expert opinion says miracle while 55% say it’s simply a ten second itchiness that soon passed once scratched. However… the debate goes on and these figures are expected to fluctuate wildly before a firm decision is made.

Donations from the United Nations, Amnesty, Human Rights Watch, the British Foreign Office and the U.S. State Department along with many others including private contributors have insured that the book, named ‘Putin’s Poisonous Practices and Misuse of Murder and Miracles’ is set to be printed in innumerable editions and one delivered to every home worldwide.

The main fear however is that Putin will use his deadly powers to vaporise every copy before they get distributed. Already first secretary Kitty-Anne-Marie Goldbomb swears she saw a word in the first line of the first page of the first chapter in the book, ‘The Antichrist’s Genesis’, fade slightly before popping back into clear view one morning. Her statement that two fried eggs she was preparing for breakfast earlier that day turned into an exact replica of Putin has been discounted however, as somewhat lacking in the proof department as she ate them and took no photograph. Having said this it still awaits further evidence-gathering procedures to be followed to see if it can be awarded ‘Just Maybe’ status.

Only when 51% certainty of proof positive is seen by our panel of experts regarding a miracle will it then be adopted in the first edition of the book. This level of proof will be lowered to somewhere between 1% and 51% in edition two to encourage the vast mass of miracle-victims, perhaps amounting to several million, to come forward with their own personal revelations of the dastardly deeds of this Devil’s minion. (And obtain a 1% discount on the store price of $100 a pop for this surefire best seller! A real saving with tax deductible status guaranteed!)

What Putin thinks of all this we do not know. Presumably he is in favour of it as the project continues unhindered… as far as we know that is.

Though just the other day my nose did run more than usual after my nightly bath. So maybe he’s trying to tell us something through that… do you think?