WELCOME TO CHAOS INCORPORATED AMERICA (C.I.A.)
Why deal locally with small time operators?
We are your one-stop shop for all destabilization needs.
Chaos Incorporated America is here to service all affiliated partners 24/7 Open All Hours!
Just answer a few simple questions and you could begin eliminating your most fearsome foe within a matter of minutes!
Take advantage of our special introductory offers. Includes our false flag lucky dip and initial cyber crime workout! (These come with a free, introductory fifteen-minute training session!)
Some offers are available on a limited time basis only, so snap 'em up while you can!
There’s 'Kill of the Day’, now at 10% off for the next 9 hours 17 minutes & counting. Dead reckoning done right! Only $1,899,999.99!
‘Poison your President!’ Pop him off in style. Usually $2,999,999, Now just $2,049,999!
‘Designer Doping!’ Get your athletes up to speed! $999,999 per 12-dose unit.
‘Frame a Friend’ With friends like those you don’t need enemies! $119,999 per friend. Buy two get one free! (Numbers limited to a maximum of 25.)
‘Teach a Target’ Sick ‘em good if nothing else works. Be there to offer sympathy after all the barfing is done. $1,499 per box of 30.
‘Shotgun Divorce’ Need a helping hand with that awkward relationship you can’t seem to shake? You can be free in minutes with our exclusive ‘Off-Em’ service. (There are 99 ways to leave your lover!)
BE A CARD-CARRYING C.I.A. AGENT!
Get our dynamite ‘Chaos Inc. America’ loyalty card! It offers you a free assassination for every five purchased! It works out at less than $7.5M per shot, all in! (Disposal included!)
You will start with our BROWN card (Classic-Killer) at only $5M/year.
Work your way up via your purchases through YELLOW (Regal-Monarch), BLUE (Total-Dictator), RED (Mega-Power-Maniac) up to the ultimate C.I.A. status symbol, your very own BLACK and GOLD (Devil-Incarnate) card!
C-K status will entitle you to first pick of our exclusive special offers one hour before the horde!
R-M gets you the chance to torture the prisoner of your choice at Gitmo for a full 10 minutes!
T-D means you are entitled to sexually abuse any member of a prisoner’s family we locate!
M-P-M moves you up to free entry to the extremely exclusive ‘Bring Down a Regime Club!
Finally... upon taking receipt of your ultimate gold rimmed D-I card you will, wait for it, get to take control of the nuclear button in the Oval Office for a full ten minute period while the Pres takes a dump!!!
There are all sorts of other exciting, stimulating and highly exclusive offers awaiting you as you steadily and triumphantly climb the ever-shining ladder of progress to become a Devil-Incarnate card holder and have *Access All Areas* VVIP status at ‘Chaos Inc. America’! The world literally becomes your very own nuclear test site! (Offer includes one two hour session per month in which to give a genuine an irradiated Marshall Islander a full invasive test regime.)
Now See Our Extra-Special-Bonus-Offer!!!
Completely free of charge, you will be entered into the 'Love a Langley Member’ lottery each and every month. Have sex with a random staffer, fully drugged for your every pleasure! (According to availability. Gender choice an optional extra.)
And even THAT'S not all!
We TRULY aim to please!!
All special and unusual requests, interests and perversities are catered for here if it is at all anatomically possible. (Estimated prices are available upon request.)
Blackmail your Brother? Easily done!
Try 'The Voyage of Voyeurism' Tour.
Need help with justice? There's the 'FBI Fibs and File Changes’ option.
Punch-a-Puppet options include: Rent a Russian to Wreck. Choose a Chinese to Choke. (All in the privacy of your own home.)
EXXXTRA SPECIAL! THIS YEAR ONLY! ***NOT TO BE MISSED!***
OUR ***END DAYS*** ADDITIONAL OFFERS:
“There’s a speedy transfer to Gitmo just waiting for the enemy of your choice when you purchase our special 50 year membership with -5% discount offer! (No other current discounts apply.)”
“Only $11,199 per year or easy payments of $1,250 per month gain you instant specialness folks!! Cash accepted in any currency (no counterfeits please), all major credit cards and inter-bank transfers - no questions asked. Special reduced price of -5% refundable at contract’s end.”
COME TO US AT C.I.A. LANGLEY - WE REALLY DO HAVE THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION FOR YOU!
And always remember folks:
THE MORE YOU BUY, THE BETTER WE SPY!!!